Sunday, January 30, 2011

Grad School Ate My Blog

...but it's baaaaack.

Many things have happened in the last few months, including but not limited to:

-My first semester (more on that later);
-Veganism (more on that later);
-Marathon FAIL (more on that later);
-Several personal triumphs over being afraid of everything, like: subway grates, my dog not loving me, debt, Indian food, and Joe Biden's horrifying face.

Now I'm moving on to the scariest thing I've done in quite awhile. "In quite awhile" even includes speaking up in a class where, after telling the professor the things I'm interested in academically (" know, I'm really into what comes after postmodernism, so like, the, uh, post-postmodern as I called it in my undergraduate thes-"), he hooted and replied, as if I had told him I was interested in how unicorns mate or what fairy blood tastes like (wait for it):

"Well, that's. Not. Real." [italics and drama all author's note].

Anyway, the scariest thing I've done in a very long time?

I officially have a pipe dream. Yes. I have a dream that only happens in fairy tales and stories with puppies and rainbows and the thought of it coming true feels like what I imagine completing Halo 3 on expert would feel like to a thirteen-year-old boy.

Here it is:

I want to be an STA World Traveler Intern for the year 2011. Yes I do.

Notice my video isn't up (yet). Why? Because pipe dreams are frigging (note: inclusion of the "g" on the ending for emphasis) terrifying. The odds are failure are immense, but your stupid soul is basically tripping on imaginary acid inside of you at the thought of it coming true: Yes, I know it can't happen but oh goodness Emily, what if it! WHAT IF IT DID! Tra la la dreams hope happiness kittens clouds! And you're all, Come on soul, seriously, I'm trying to watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion and you're ruining it (...again), I'm not joking. So it leaves you alone for an hour, but then you find yourself day dreaming about Turkish bathhouses and climbing mountains in New Zealand COMPLETELY without your conscious consent while you blow dry your hair.

Pipe dreams are terrifying even beyond their acknowledged level of potential failure though, and for an interesting, very postmodern (REAL. IT'S REAL, PROFESSOR MILLER) reason: the inclusion of hope to the equation. Hope, having real hope for something you desperately want to happen actually come true, is something that is often spit on now: it's corny, it's desperate, and really, it's not very cool. It's just not. In fact, it's downright uncool, it's awkward even. Which, the more I think about it, is incredibly sad. What's going to happen if we're all too cool to be genuine, or earnest, or vulnerable? Like I enjoy Skins as much as the next person, but I'm ready to not be afraid of having a pipe dream, or having hope, or being ready to fail. It may not be eloquent, or even more original than a cool magnet saying or something girls post on their stupid Tumblrs all the time next to pictures of Audrey Hepburn, but I think I'm (a little begrudgingly) ready to be lumped into those categories...if just to keep vulnerability, sincerity, and earnest hope alive. At least for me.

Vote for me for STA World Traveler Intern 2011. Here we go nerdy dreams.

More to come.